my grandfather is dying. it is very likely he will be gone by the end of this week. I thought I was strong and prepared for this, but I am not. Every time I have seen him over the last 2 years I have said good bye to him thinking it would be the last time I would ever see him alive. I thought I could walk through this without allowing my emotions to become involved, that I could remain behind the wall I use for most things, that I could remain detached. I took Bug shopping for clothes for the funeral to come, it was just a task to get thru. I listened to my mom because she needed someone to talk to, but I had said my good byes. Then today came and the overwhelming sadness and the need to go say good bye to my grandfather took over. I went, I spent time holding his hand and I said my final good bye. I saw first hand the affects of a severe brain damage from a fall- so severe that I can not image he has held on so long. I saw my aunts and uncles joined together in the last vigil, the last thing they can do for their parent. I saw 5 generations represented in one room. I saw a man who is leaving this world to be in a much better place and I know that I will forever miss him.
June 2007: meaning Bug for the first time
Christmas 2007
Christmas 2008
Christmas 2009
Christmas 2010
Generation 1: Grandpa Joe
Generation 2: Aunt J- mam's older sister (not pictured)
Generation 3: Missy- my cousin, just a few years older than me
Generation 4: Missy's son (not pictured)
Generation 5: Missy's grandson
This is 90 years of living, this 90 years of a good life. This is a life that will be missed. I do not expect to see my grandfather alive again, the end is near. I will be crying for him and I remember that I am not strong enough to distance myself from this pain, but I no longer want to build a wall between me and my emotions.
After seeing this, I did the only thing I could do, I took my mom shopping for clothes for her father's funeral. And now I sit at home crying over the separation that is coming.
Please hold my family in your prayers and go hug your grandparents, parents, spouse, children and all your other love ones- time is short.
Love to you,
Deb
Sending lots of hugs and prayers from Michigan! Hang in there and give Bug an extra tight hug when he gets home from school.
ReplyDeleteMarianne
Saying goodbye is never easy. I know all too well how hard it is. But I promise you, you will be so thankful that you've had this time vs. not being able to say goodbye at all. There will come a time when you will remember all the good times you've had with your grandpa and only a smile will come across your face and all the tears will be gone. For now, just let the tears flow and know it's OK to be sad. I'm thinking about you my friend!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it's so hard. You're right, he's going to a better place. He won't be in pain, he'll be "whole" again. Sending you hugs and knowing how terrible it feels to "wait" for a funeral.
ReplyDelete