Bug and I were talking last night after we had a skype session with Popi, Mireya and the girls. Bug made the statement that he would like me to drive our car to Guatemala and leave him there.
yea- he said that. My son, the one who refuses to sleep in his own bed because he needs to be near, the son who can't play more than 2 feet from me, the one who has to follow me down the hallway and stand outside the bathroom door, so he knows where I am. Yes, this son told me I could take him back to Guatemala and leave.
His reasoning, he could swim in the pool every day (his follow up comment today).
I know it is hard for him to process that we can go to Guatemala and come back, but at this time, the girls, Mireya and Popi can not come to visit us. I know he misses them and I known the calls bring it all back to him.
But I also know that the conversations help him- they keep Popi, Mireya and the girls real to him. He does not have to wonder if they still love him, he hears them say it. Int he last few calls, the goal has been to allow me to talk to them and Bug can play in the background, where they can see him. But alot of time has past since the last call, and we all forgot the plan. I was encouraging Bug to talk to much and show off his toys. A reminder to me that Sunday night's call should be more of Bug playing and less of Bug having to interact with me or the girls.
It is hard to hear that he would be happy to have me drop him off, but I have to remember that he is 5 going on 6 and what he says it not always what he means. So getting to the bottom of his meaning is paramount. This is not to say that I am dismissing his statement, he may in fact decide to go back to Guatemala when he is 18, but that will be his decision. Right now, he is a 5 year old trying to express the emotions in his heart and saying that he wanted to me to take him back in our car was an expression of missing the girls and remembering the fun we had on our last visit.
It is always something, each interaction is a chance to help Bug understand his past and come to terms with the emotions it stirs. The important thing is giving Bug the skills to help him make positive decisions in the future. his feels are valid, his thoughts are valid.
I know lots of things are changing for Bug right now, school will be beginning soon, he changed classes at church, his Y camp will be ending. So all the changes would cause him to think back to the one place that he sees as never changing- Popi's house. It does not help that I have been busy for the last month, working most evenings. But things will get better and settle down as school starts.
I know there are going to be people who tell me to stop the calls to Guatemala- but I do not accept that as a solution- it is a short term fix for a long term issue and invalidates Bug's past. I will not do that Bug and I will not do that to Popi, Mireya and the girls or to me. We are all a family, connected by one precious little boy.
Love and hugs,
Deb
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