right on schedule- no pictures today

right on schedule the thoughts in my head are turning to hijo's first mother/birth mother.  We are about 4 weeks from his birthday and  I am wondering again about her, about her thoughts and feelings.  I wonder if I will ever know the truth or if hijo will ever know.

Various things consume my thoughts with regard to her and to hijo at this time.  Most of all I just wish I could know that she knows he is OK and he is loved and he is growing up so fast. 

I wonder about our nightly prayer and wonder if I am taking away hijo's ability to ask me questions (we thank God for making us a family).  I wonder but this time of the year I wonder and ponder and think about her most free chance I get.

I suppose this will never be easier or pushed to back, hijo is now going to be going to school which will bring a whole new set of questions and concerns. But right now, I worry that somehow I have not tried enough to find his birth mother and that there is something more I can do.  But I have done all I can at this point and I have to live with that.


Then there is the other thoughts that I am dealing with- the thoughts that if hijo's birth mother was American, living here, would I even think about trying to find her.  Is it easier to try because she is in a different country, that if she was found there would be little to no chance that she could ever show up at my door or call me?  It is easier to wish and wonder because the reality is that I have all the power in this side of the story?   If she is found, I can continue contact, I can terminate contact, I can do whatever I want.  Is that right? If I truly wan the best for hijo, then no matter the circumstance, I need to keep the door open for the relationship. 

Should I move forward with a second adoption, then I need to walk the walk and be prepared for an open relationship with birth parents- am I ready for that?  Can I commit to that?  So many questions, so many things to think through.


And just to be clear- there is no second adoption starting at this point, but as always, I wish that hijo could have a sibling or 2.  He thrives with other kids, teens, but right now, it is not something that God is putting on my heart to pursue.  we'll see in the future, because I think it will happen, just on God's timing and leading.


So those are my thoughts for tonight and they will continue as hijo's birthday draws closer.


Love to you,
Momma