A hole in his heart

We talked with hijo's foster family tonight.  He was very tired at first, but soon was talking to them and telling them letters and colors and identifying toy animals that they held up.  The skype call was about 45 minutes.  After the call- hijo fell apart.  He was crying, wailing into my shoulder, the grief pouring out of him.

This is the largest display of grief in about 2 years that I have seen from him.  As we sat on his bed talking, as I tired to give words to his feelings, it all came out.  He wants to hug the girls and Popi.  Talking to them is great, but hugging them is the one thing that he can not do through the computer.  We talked about what we could do and we have some ideas- we are going to make "scarves" for the girls so when they miss hijo, they can wrap themselves in the scarves and feel his hugs.  Hijo also asked about making "angel" dolls- these the the dolls that he and I have for when I travel, I get the hijo angel and he gets the momma angel.  We fill them up with hugs and kisses before we leave and then when I need a hug or a kiss from hijo, I pull out the angel doll and get some hugs.  So we have a craft to work on in April- then we have to send the angels down to Guatemala and have the girls and Popi fill them up with hugs and kisses and then send them back to us.  Maybe we can get a friend to carry them down in June and pick them up in August?????

But tonight brought out how much emotion hijo carries with him- how the hole in heart is still there.  I don't know that it will ever be filled, nor do I expected it to be filled.  But we are making progress as hijo learns to name his feelings and learns how to adress where the feelings are coming from and how to deal with the feelings. Loss is ever present to him and will always be part of his life.  The goal is teach him to recognize his emotions and to know how to constructively deal with those emotions.  If I can help him with this goal, then I have done my job as an adoptive mom- there is so much else to do as his mom and I do seperate the roles I have and the work I have to do with him by role.  dealing with loss and embracing his past is my only role as his adoptive mom, everything else falls under being his momma- forever, for always.

We are going back to Guatemala next Easter and I am hoping it helps him even more with his emotions.  he will be 5, older and more able to express his thoughts and emotions. He desperately wants to see the girls and Popi, he desperately wants them to be in his life daily.  This maybe something I really need to consider as I consider our future- is Guatemala where we should be full time at some point?  I talk from emotion here, the emotion of not wanting my son to have to be sad or upset. There are of course many other considerations that I need account for.  But maybe we are supposed to be in Guatemala more than every 2 years. I need to consider this as the next trip after next Easter is not for anoterh 3 years- would it be worth it to plan a vacation to Guatemala every year so that the emotional bond with the girls remains???  Something to think about.

Hijo loves the girls (this includes Momi Mireya) and Popi- they are his beginning, his foundation. I am his present and his future- we all hold him up which allows him to grow and mature.  he needs all of us to find his way to who he is going to be. 

It is so hard watching hijo navigate through this as a 4 year old, knowing that I want to take this hurt away from him now.  but to take the hurt away now is to take away his first family and then have all the hurt years from now.  That is something I can and will not do- I will not take hijo away from his first family or his first family away from him.  For me to do that would kill us all on so many levels.  I would kill relationships- with hijo and with his family.  I would be denying the truth of his adoption, that I was not the first momma he had.  I can not do it and I will not do it.  The pain now is worth the prize in the end- a little boy or young man or young adult who knows that he was loved , is loved and will always be loved and that the adults in his life have done everything possible to make sure that he never looses the people who love him the most- Popi, Mireya, Susi, Karla, Andrea, Me, Mam, Pap, Auntie Lulu, Uncle  Darrell, Jason, Uncle Dave and Tink. 


I assume that seeing hijo must bring up many of the same emotions in the girls and Popi, but I know that they have life experience to draw upon to help them through the tough times.  It is not that I am indifferent or callous to their feelings, just that I know they can more readily identify the emotions and they know how to express the emotions.  I assume that there are many tears at their house after every call- but maybe I am wrong- maybe the tears are when there are no calls, or no pictures, maybe the joy comes in seeing him.  And maybe the worst tears are when we leave Guatemala? Maybe the worst is knowing that hijo gets so emotional after the calls.

Oh well, enough with the introspection tonight.  More thoughts and hopefully some pictures tomorrow.

Love and hugs,
Deb