musings from Momma

No pictures tonight - but I have some to upload tomorrow- a bug box was sent out today to Guatemala- filled with things that we hope express our love to Popi, Mireya and the girls.  We took the box to the shipping place today and were told that it would be next week before the package was picked- so much for a pick up on Monday and Tuesday.  If I had known that there is only one pick up - on Monday morning- we would have taken the package yesterday.  But it is what it is.  We were told it coul dbe a month before package gets to Guatemala- so much for having it there for Easter.  I am really missing King Express right now.  But is going and I have learned a lesson- the package for Christmas will need to ship late October to maake it by Christmas- planning that package now.

So on to my musings for tonight. 

I have been dreaming about hijo's birth mother this week.  I am not sure why, it is not her birthday, it is not mother's day, we have no adoption related anniversaries- excep his referral date later this week (wow, I had forgotten that until typing this sentence).  Maybe that is the reason for dreaming of her? 
In last night's dream she was at the zoo with us, our sponsored kids from Compassion and Popi, Mireya and the girls.  It was surreal to have all of us together.  I know that my desire to have her know that hijo is doing well (fantastic if you ask me) and to have some sort of contact- a photo, some questions answered, etc is fueling my ongoing prayers to one day meet her.  I really want for hijo to have his whole story- he will one day want answers- I have some, Popi and Mireya have some, but the beginning, the reason for his adoption is held solely by his birth mother and none of us can give those answers to him, only she can.  I am selfish, I want the answers so that hijo does not have to wonder.  I jealously read the posts on one of my groups where birth mothers have been found and I wonder why hijo's adoption process is never easy.  It was not easy then, it continues not be easy as I look for answers.  Is it difficult becuase there is someting that I am not ready to handle, something that hijo will need to be older to understand?  it is just a struggle and I am tired of always struggling. 

I am going to say this and then leave it behind- I really feel that the lawyer we had lied to each and every one of us in this adoption- I think he lied to hijo's birth mother, I believe I heard Mireya state that he lied to them (but I could be wrong and misremebering that day) and I know he lied to me and to my agency.  I just want the lies to be stripped away and to be left with the truth.  I don't want anything from the lawyer, I don't want to take him to task for lying - I just want the truth so the questions stop- the questions in my mind.

I migh also be thinking more about hijo's birth mother becuase the US census has brought up a number of questions again.  Her responses on a questionaire incidcated one thing in terms of race (under the US system), but the inconclusive birh mother search I did in 2008 had different results.  I did not struggle to complete the form, but it brought up questions- who knows what and what are the ramificatons of just telling everyone everything. 
Yes, this is hijo's story, it is his personal information, but at the same time- can I share just to help other's potentially going through the same thing.  Am I avioding laying it out there in order to protect me or him?

There is more going on, I am in one of thse introspecive moods and the adoption process is bubbling becuase it represents the unknown and I can cast my fears on this unknown and it masks what I might be avoiding in my own life. 

I wish it was more cut and dry, more clear- instead the past remains out of focus.  I don't like unknowns, uncertainity. 

Unfortunately, I think I just brought the negative emotions from the first blog into this blog, but I am not being honest if this blog does not address some of the issues that I contiue to face as an adoptive parent, or the issues that hijo deals with being a child who was adopted.  Neither of us came out of this process without scars, and hijo's foster family also bears the scars of this process.  We are all walking wounded at times. But healing comes, perhaps through time, perhaps through answers to questions, perhaps through other things I am not aware of yet.

All I kow right now is that is little over a year, we will be Guatemala again and I am hopeful that there might be more answers found while we are there.

I am off to bed now, to dream more dream.

Love and hugs,