Stressing- without reason

camera is in the car- no pictures tonight- tomorrow though.

I am stressing tonight- this is really why I think I have been dreaming of hijo's birth mother.  Becuase tomorrow is pre-kindergarten skill assessment testing for hijo.  Basically for 45 minutes he will interact with his teachers and they will assess what his skill level is, does he know his colors, does he know his letters, his numbers, etc.  I will be in the next room supposedly reading a book (hahahaha- not a chance of that happening).

Here is the worst case scenario for tomorrow:
we arrive at school and hijo has a complete meltdown and refuses to let go of me or interact with the teachers

best case for tomorrow:
we arrive at school and hijo happily leaves me to read my book and completely wows the teachers.


the reality- probably something in between, but more toward the worst case scenario.  He told me tonight that he was afraid the teachers would bite him!!!!!!!  We talked about how the teachers are jsut like MrsCarol, Mrs Karen and Miss Hope who are his teachers on Sunday in Sunday school.  yes, I know they are nto quite the same, but this is hijo's frame of reference.  I am not sure he believed me.

I am stressing.  I know he is intelligent and he can do everything they might ask him to do- what stresses me is how he will react to being in a new situation. He is pretty shy/timid and he does not like meeting new people. But maybe, just maybe he will be excited tomorrow and do just fine.  I will have a full report tomorrow evening on the testing.

How is this related to hijo's birth mother- well, if he does not do well, does that make me a bad mother?  I want to be able to say, "see, I did good".  but the reality is that while I feel I am judged on this, no one else is judging me.  I am competing against a shadow- a phantom- of what might be.  Would she judge me, saying that she would have made a different choice if she had known what I am doing as a parent? That is the unknown part of this triad- will she ever say I did a good job?  And do I really need her to say it?  Is it not enough that my parents and my family say I am doing a good job, do I really need to be validate by someone who might only see the end result or a partial result?

So she haunts my dreams as I struggle to come to terms with the fact that she may never know who her son has become, that she might never know who he will be, that I might never look at her and see that she knows that I did the best I could and that was good enough.

So I stress about things I can not control: tomorrow- I can not control how hijo reacts, I can only prepare him with love and tell him that I am right in the room next door and I will never leave him.  I can only focus on what works for us as family instead of stressing about how someone else might do it.  I can only do the best I can and hope and pray that my choices and decisions are the right ones years from now.

I need to let go of worrying about that which I can not control and focus on what I can control.

pictures and an update tomorrow.

Love and hugs,
Deb