A hole in his heart

We talked with hijo's foster family tonight.  He was very tired at first, but soon was talking to them and telling them letters and colors and identifying toy animals that they held up.  The skype call was about 45 minutes.  After the call- hijo fell apart.  He was crying, wailing into my shoulder, the grief pouring out of him.

This is the largest display of grief in about 2 years that I have seen from him.  As we sat on his bed talking, as I tired to give words to his feelings, it all came out.  He wants to hug the girls and Popi.  Talking to them is great, but hugging them is the one thing that he can not do through the computer.  We talked about what we could do and we have some ideas- we are going to make "scarves" for the girls so when they miss hijo, they can wrap themselves in the scarves and feel his hugs.  Hijo also asked about making "angel" dolls- these the the dolls that he and I have for when I travel, I get the hijo angel and he gets the momma angel.  We fill them up with hugs and kisses before we leave and then when I need a hug or a kiss from hijo, I pull out the angel doll and get some hugs.  So we have a craft to work on in April- then we have to send the angels down to Guatemala and have the girls and Popi fill them up with hugs and kisses and then send them back to us.  Maybe we can get a friend to carry them down in June and pick them up in August?????

But tonight brought out how much emotion hijo carries with him- how the hole in heart is still there.  I don't know that it will ever be filled, nor do I expected it to be filled.  But we are making progress as hijo learns to name his feelings and learns how to adress where the feelings are coming from and how to deal with the feelings. Loss is ever present to him and will always be part of his life.  The goal is teach him to recognize his emotions and to know how to constructively deal with those emotions.  If I can help him with this goal, then I have done my job as an adoptive mom- there is so much else to do as his mom and I do seperate the roles I have and the work I have to do with him by role.  dealing with loss and embracing his past is my only role as his adoptive mom, everything else falls under being his momma- forever, for always.

We are going back to Guatemala next Easter and I am hoping it helps him even more with his emotions.  he will be 5, older and more able to express his thoughts and emotions. He desperately wants to see the girls and Popi, he desperately wants them to be in his life daily.  This maybe something I really need to consider as I consider our future- is Guatemala where we should be full time at some point?  I talk from emotion here, the emotion of not wanting my son to have to be sad or upset. There are of course many other considerations that I need account for.  But maybe we are supposed to be in Guatemala more than every 2 years. I need to consider this as the next trip after next Easter is not for anoterh 3 years- would it be worth it to plan a vacation to Guatemala every year so that the emotional bond with the girls remains???  Something to think about.

Hijo loves the girls (this includes Momi Mireya) and Popi- they are his beginning, his foundation. I am his present and his future- we all hold him up which allows him to grow and mature.  he needs all of us to find his way to who he is going to be. 

It is so hard watching hijo navigate through this as a 4 year old, knowing that I want to take this hurt away from him now.  but to take the hurt away now is to take away his first family and then have all the hurt years from now.  That is something I can and will not do- I will not take hijo away from his first family or his first family away from him.  For me to do that would kill us all on so many levels.  I would kill relationships- with hijo and with his family.  I would be denying the truth of his adoption, that I was not the first momma he had.  I can not do it and I will not do it.  The pain now is worth the prize in the end- a little boy or young man or young adult who knows that he was loved , is loved and will always be loved and that the adults in his life have done everything possible to make sure that he never looses the people who love him the most- Popi, Mireya, Susi, Karla, Andrea, Me, Mam, Pap, Auntie Lulu, Uncle  Darrell, Jason, Uncle Dave and Tink. 


I assume that seeing hijo must bring up many of the same emotions in the girls and Popi, but I know that they have life experience to draw upon to help them through the tough times.  It is not that I am indifferent or callous to their feelings, just that I know they can more readily identify the emotions and they know how to express the emotions.  I assume that there are many tears at their house after every call- but maybe I am wrong- maybe the tears are when there are no calls, or no pictures, maybe the joy comes in seeing him.  And maybe the worst tears are when we leave Guatemala? Maybe the worst is knowing that hijo gets so emotional after the calls.

Oh well, enough with the introspection tonight.  More thoughts and hopefully some pictures tomorrow.

Love and hugs,
Deb

Relegated to the sidelines OR "Momma, us boys can do it"

After our fun day yesterday, we had a work day today.  We needed to get the lawn mower ready for grassing cutting- which I am putting off until the week after Easter.  So Pap came over (Mam came too) and got the mower ready. 

Some background- this is an event that we do each year- it usually involves my dad lecturing me on care of my lawn mower the entire time.  This is a day that I just prepare myself for the fact that I never will get through without being told I have done something wrong- so prepared I can just let it roll off my back and move on.  It is just my dad. 

Hijo always wants to help and  shock of all shocks today, when my dad basically excluded me and set about teaching hijo how to service the lawn mower.  On one hand, it is great that they had some male bonding time, on the other hand, I was not happy- but overall, I suddenly see the light at the end of the tunnel.  One day hijo will take over servicing the lawn mower and I will be on the sidelines more and more.  But that is years away.  I definitely see the time coming when Pap will have to just supervisor these maintenance things around the house. 

So now I know that hijo will be servicing the lawn mower too- I like doing it so I will be helping.

Pap is showing hijo how to space the spark plug before putting it into the lawn mower.

Changing the air filter.  Then Pap sharpened the blade while hijo scrapped the underside of the mower.  This is where I was told AGAIN that I need to clean the mower off every time I mow the grass.  I actually think I did before I put the mower away in the fall, but yet again, not to the level my dad expects. 

Hijo helped to put the blade back on- he got to tighten the bolt.

Which takes lots of concentration and is ver intense work.  I love this picture.

Pap finished tighening the bolt  and then the boys took care of the best jobs ever (in hijo's opinion)

Sweeping up the grass he scrapped off the bottom of the mower and filling up the oil tank.

Checking the oil level.  The rain came right after this, so thankfully we were all done. 

It was a good day- to only be lecured about the mower is a good thing.  Hijo was happy becuase he was Pap's special helper and I stood back and just watched.  A good day for some male bonding time. 

I grilled hamburgers (in the rain) and we had a fun afternoon playing hide n seek in the house.  Hijo and I managed to hide well enough that Mam could not find us and she thought we were in the basement.  We were actually in my closet.  It was a good weekend.

Love and hugs,
Momma

Gymnastics- Big Ten Woman's championships- or GO BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We headed to Ohio State University today to watch the Big ten (conferencce) championship for woman's Gynmastic.  this is college level gymnastics.  When I lived in Ann Arbor, Michigan, I was a booster for the team and it was my Friday night treat to head over and watch the meets during the winter.  Since moving home, I have not been to a meet since 2005 and I miss going to them.  I love gymnastics.  We were so happy to be going with J and N.  J graduated from OSU (Ohio State University) and OSU and the University of Michigan (UM) are fierce rivals.  So of course, we had to make sure our boys were dressed appropriately for the day.

Hijo in his blue and yellow (as close to maize and blue as I could get) and N in in scarlet and gray. 

Of course the mommas had to be dressed appropriately too- J in her OSU outfit and me in my Michigcan Gymnastics sweatshirt.    We made a stop at the bookstore near campus. J wanted to pick up some OSU items,  I was worried we would be razed about our UM clothing, but we were left alone.

We let the boys run around te cafe area and they did a good job of terrorizing the other customers in the cafe.   As you can see, the cafe was just jammed packed with students and other folsk (hahaha- that was a joke).

Hijo "resting" after chasing N.

Then back to running some more.  J bought N a "Brutus" toy- Brutus is the name of the OSU mascot.  No way was I buying hijo a Brutus, so he got a giraffe in an OSU tee shirt- which he promptly named "Brutus".  I can see I am going to have to stock up on UM items when we go to Ann Arbor in a few weeks time.

The areana.  The UM fan club was directly across from us- they are in yellow (maize) in the picture

Under my sweatshirt, I had my Michigan athletics tee shirt (a gift from a co worker when I left Ann Arbor). So I was good to go.

The boys played cars for a good portion of the meet.  J and I had packed cars, trains, coloring books, sticker books and crayons for the boys- I think we did good as they did not start getting bored until the last rotation and award ceremony.  We also packed a bunch of snacks- popcorn, grapes, fruit snacks, turkey cheese roll ups, trail mix and juice boxes.  We made it through the meet without having to buy anything more than some extra water.  I think we saved at $50.00 in food by bring our own.  The meet was 4 hours, so with the drive to and from and the meet, we missed lunch and dinner.  So packing food was the best choice.  As we left the meet, some tailgaters (who knew people tailgated for gymnastics meets????) offered us hot dogs, so the boys had those on the way home.  And hijo ate 1.5 hot dogs!!!!! 

But, I digress, back to the meet

UM warming up on floor exercise

Team huddle to start the meet

team area during the vault rotation (3rd rotation for UM)- but right in front of us. And OSU is in the red rightnext to them

Working on sticker books!!!! And loving it.  Hijo was talking up a storm.  And yes, he took off his blue shirt- it was quite warm in the building.

Before the awards, a drumline entertained us.  Notice the little drummer second to the last in the row- this kid was probably right around hijo's age.  Amazing.

UM atop the winner's podium-Big 10 champs for the 5th straight year!!!!   OSU finished 7th out of 7 team (oh shucks and darn).  J was not too excited.  I wanted UM to win, but if they could not win, then I wanted them to beat OSU.  Of course, J will remind me of this in the football season- as OSU did much better than UM in football this past year.  But I really don't pay attention to college football.  Although with hijo getting older, it could be a fun afternoon to go watch a game at our local univeristy.

Aren't they jsut the cutiest things?  

I love how Hijo took Ns hand and they walked together, he really watches out for the younger kids, when he is not busy biting them.  Yes, hijo bit N today- all becuase N had his water bottle.  I am not sure what to do about it- to help him stop this.  This time there was no fussing, no whining before it happened, one moment they were fine and the next moment N is screaming because Hijo bit him.  This is not going to fly in school next year.

Best little buddies

One the way home, J and I were discussing how long it would take for the boys to fall asleep.  I guessed 20 minutes after we got on the road.  N was out in 45 minutes and Hijo never feel asleep on the way home.

This was a great day - I am so glad that we got to share it with N and J.  I am looking forward to more road trips and adventures with them and hijo this summer.

Love and hugs,

Deb

SNOW- in March0 now I can plant my onions and potatoes

The snow retuned this morning- this should be it though- the last snow for the season.  The snow was gone by afternoon.  Good riddance- I am tried of snow.  Even hijo was tired of snow and refused to wear his coat today as a protest.

Last night we headed to the mall to play since it was raining.  Hijo made an entire gaggle of friends (gaggle= a large group of kids, but is usually used in reference to geese).

I got permission from all the parents to post this picture.  They were all so proad that they were all on the horse together.

Hijo practiced his jumping skills- from the 3rd step (the top) to the floor and he was encouraging the other kids to jump from this height too.  What happened to my shy little guys who never did the dangerous stuff.

Finally, some tree climbing and some scaring of the littler kids.  Hijo and his litle friend were trying to scare her younger brother. The were playing that they were ghosts- who taught him this???

We are off to the Big 10 Gymnastic Championships tomorrow with J and N.  It should be fun.  I am hoping that the boys like it, the Mommas are really excited.

Love and hugs,
Deb

Pictures from the last few days- catching up

catching up with pictures and the update from Kindergarten testing will follow below.

First- we mailed out our first shipment with medrano to Guatemala.  This is he 12x12 box (the smallest).  I put the cupcakes beside it so you could get an idea od the size.  It weighs 15 pounds.  Medrano ships by size, not weight which is different then how we shipped with King Express.  I was not thinking of the size as we original got things to send down, so in order to fill the box, we had to go shopping again.  We got the box filled and we can not wait to hear that the box has arrived. 

Yesterday we headed over to the library.  Hijo had a great time reading the book with the clock in the book- it was a family's day, so the hands move to help kids learn time.  Hijo could set the correct time every time I told him the time- for example, in the story, at 8 am the family wakes up.  So Hijo would set the clock to 8  o' clock without my help.  He is so smart.

Hijo now has his own library card and he loves checking out his books on his card.  He is learning his pin number to enter.  And at the end, he loves printing out the list of books he checked out.

After work today, I picked Hijo up from Mam and Pap's and we all headed out to dinner (my way of paying them for watching him).  Hijo picked Big Boy's for dinner.  He likes the soup and salad bar- bean soup and lots of fruit.  Mam is helping him pick fruit.  In the summer, hijo would live on the salad bar and the watermelon. 

And after a big, stressful day of testing, Hijo fell asleep in the car.  I love these times seeing him in the mirror, sleeping.  He slept for 10 minutes- the drive home.

Testing:

We arrived at school about 10 minues before he was due.  We signed in and the teacher's aide brought us to the class room.  they asked Hijo to stand by the door so they could take his picture (not sure why).  he refused to let go of me, so my leg is in the picture.

The first teacher then asked him to sit down and indicated that I coould step out- hijo was having none of that, but he did not have a melt down.  So she pulled up a chair for me and I sat and read my book while the teacher tried to get hijo to talk.  He was not having any of that.  It was hard to be quiet and not prompt him to speak up.  She got him to answer her questions on the colors of the crayons, and what he likes to do "play" and who he plays with "Y".  He colored a circle for her and he cut it out (perfectly on the lines), he wrote his name for her and that was it for her testing, but he still had more.  Another teacher came and took him in the next room- I could see him and he could turn around and see me.  While he was in there, the first teacher asked me if always was so non verbal.  I responded that he is only non verbal with strangers, but he talks all the time at home.  She is in for a surprise once school starts and hijo feels more comfortable.  She might regret thinking that he is non verbal.

After he completed the second teacher's testing- it was letter recognition and sounds, the school nurse came to take him across the hall for a hearing and vision test.  I had no idea that these would be part of the testing.  I now have hearing results- no problems - although there must be since he does not hear me lots of times (that was joke, I know he ignores me whenever it suits me). for Vision, he has 20/20 in one eye and 20/25 in the otehr eye- so his vision is perfect. Although again, you would never know that when he is asked to picked up toys and he can't even see the one right at his feet.

When the school nurse took him for testing, the first teacher indicatded that they were going to try to see if he would continue without me.  I was not too sure about this- he was in another room and when he came back, he would expect to see me.  If I was not there, I was worried that it would be all over and he would feak out.  Ok, I admit, I was wrong, he is more resilent then I thought he would be.  I did tell the teacher that  she needed to tell him that I was not leaving him, that I would be back to pick him up and Momma will never leave him.  I hope she said those words and I think she did becuase he made it through all the other testing.

While he was finishing up testing, I was asked to go downstairs to the teachers lunch room and wait with the other parents.  There were 2 other parents.  I sat and read my book- yes I did read it.  And I listened for a crying boy on the stairs- which never came.  after about 30 minutes, I heard 3 kids on the stairs.  The last teacher brought all 3 kids back to the parents and we were done.

I asked hijo how he felt when he came back to the first room and I was not there- he said scared and he looked like he might cry.  I asked him if the teacher told him that I was with the other parents and that I was not leaving him.  he said yes.  So I feel good that she listened to me and reassured him and he accepted it. 

We had lunch and then he wanted to go to Mam and Pap's- previously prearranged that he would go there if he felt OK after the testing.  I dropped him off and then I headed back home to finish working for the day.

I don't know how they assessed him, but I am hoping that I get some indication- either by getting the assessment results or by getting suggestions on things to work with him on over the summer.  We'll see. 

When I was talking with one of the other parents- she indicated that the absentee policy at the school is very restrictive.  I am going to have to talk to them about that.  I had to cancel our vacation this summer due to work deadlines and now our vacation is scheduled for November- the week of Thanksgiving.  Then in 2011, we are going back to Guatemala.  I tried to plan it for Spring Break- assuming that at a catholic sschool, Spring Break would be Holy week- but it is the week after, so hijo will miss 4 days of school (school is out for Good Friday).  So that is at least 7 days that hijo will miss due to family things.  But I feel like it is just Kindergarten and as a single parent, I have to balance work and family.  Time with family is good and trumps some schooling- not all.  Also, I am willing to do school work while we are on vacation and even make photo journals with hijo of his vacations and do educational items with him so that it is not all fun and games, but it is a vacation that incorperates learning and fun activities.

So that is it.  I am done stressing over school testing.

Love and hugs,

Momma