I guess it is time to be introspective.
I know intellectually that I am not unworthy and I know that no one has every said that I am unworthy, but I carry this part of me inside that says I am unworthy.
I could sit here and say that I have these feelings at times because I had a birth father who loved alcohol more than he loved his wife and children and we knew it all the time. Or I could say it is because I have a step father who loves his possessions more then his family, or I could say that it because this or that in my life, but the bottom line is this.
I have a choice in how I view my childhood- I can choose to say that I was never loved by others when I needed it ( and note- MY MOM has always loved me) and I am just a victim or I can say that these things happened to me in my childhood but they do not define who I am. I choose the second choice and it is choice I have to remake over and over. So at times the feelings of never being worthy enough to love come back and I struggle that I am repeating my childhood now as an adult.
But on this weekend when we look to the cross- I really had to stop and think. I choose to follow Christ and each day I make that choice again. When I choose to follow Christ, I left behind the life of not being worthy, not being loved and began a new life with a father who loves me just as I am. He does not see my messes- they have been wiped clean by the blood on the cross, he does not see my failings and my mistakes, he see me- just me. Yes, he wants me to be better and he has high standards, but my father in heaven never looks at me and says "I don't love you because you are unworthy"
Quite the opposite- he loves me so much that he sent Jesus to take my place- to take all my mistakes, failings, sins, unworthiness and he wiped it all away. In my life as a Christian, I am worthy, I am loved and I am valued. The past life is gone, forgotten, remembered no more by a loving father. So why do I continue to hang on to the old things? Why can not I not accept the gift? Why do the old wounds reopen?
I think they reopen because at times I need to work through more of my childhood- trust me, it was not pretty and so as the old feelings come out, I am forced to confront things I have buried for years and years. As I confront those things, I am made more aware of the gift God has given me in the new life. I have to clean out the old to make ready for the new things that God is doing in my life and using me for.
I know God formed our family and I am worthy to be Bug's momma- I know I love Bug enough to die for him. Right now, I have allow my my past to die, to be buried.
Love to you,
Deb
Deb,
ReplyDeleteI read this and I hear me talking to R.F. I hear her telling me just like you said, make the choice to follow Jesus and its time to bury the old past hurtful things of your family and choose to live life in Christ where no matter what you have done, or has been done to you He will take care of all of that and sees you for who you really are- his daughter whom He loves greatly and will always do so, no matter what! The scab is ripped off many many times for me and her analogy was yours exactly, it needs to come off and you need to cleanse the wound, only I am not the one cleaning it, its Jesus- he is cleaning it and it hurts but he feels our hurt, he will comfort me, he will heal me and he will love me NO MATTER WHAT! So hold on and keep cleaning out those wounds cause I am looking forward to the feeling the love of Christ everyday adn I knwo you are too!
Lisa
To choose not to be the victim is always hard. Feeling bad is so much easier than taking the hard road to rising above. I have to admit I have many weak moments. I did not have an alcoholic father, a step-dad or really any reason to feel unworthy. And yet, it seems to be programmed into my psyche! It takes everything in me to stop myself and instead count my blessings. Just look at Bug's face, his smile, his glow of life. You are very special to deserve that. Very, very special indeed!!!
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