Bug has been really going through a number of emotions lately. It is a almost a nightly occurrence for him to tell me that he misses "his girls"- yes, he is taking possession of the girls. It is now a weekly occurrence for him to cry that he wants them to come here. Any one know how easy it for a Guatemalan citizen to get a visa to Costa Rica, Honduras or Mexico???
He is 3- no matter how much I try to explain that the girls can not come here, that the government will not let them, he does not understand. He has no frame of reference for someone not being able to come here- since we can go anywhere. I have repeated over and over that they cannot come here, but we can go there. I have offered to call them- he took that offer once and then only wanted to speak to Susi.
There is an anxiousness to him right- a fear that he will be left, be unsafe, unprotected and I can't figure out what is triggering it. He dreams about "bad men" all the time, he wants to be reassured that I will keep him safe.
It is worrying me- so much so that I asked our social worker for a contact of an attachment therapist/adoption specialist. I feel like I am missing some huge key that will help. I want to help Bug with this, but I lack the knowledge to help him right now. So I am reaching out for help. Maybe these are normal fears for a little boy - maybe missing people who are important is normal and not understanding why they can't be here is normal. But it feels off, it feels like if I don't help Bug correctly here, that he will be missing a vital connection.
Yikes, this scary. I am scared, scared that I will say or do the wrong thing and it will set us back. I am scared that I will not be able to help him and he will struggle for years with this. I am just scared.
I am off to bed.
Deb
You are a great mom, and don't need to fear. Getting him professional help is a good idea.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice, just prayers and the belief that as long as you are doing something - it will help.
ReplyDeleteKathy
Some fears are certainly normal at this age, but you need to trust your momma gut. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteDeb,
ReplyDeleteFor you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15
It can be a scary thing to parent a hurt child, but God is with you and will help you to help your little boy through the pain. Good professional help is wonderful...just make sure the therapist is on the same page as you. (There are some whackos out there.) I would recommend finding a Christian who has attachment/adoption experience.
Deb, you can do this. Love covers a multitude of sins. Do your best. Grieve with him. Let him know it's okay to miss them and talk about them.
The huge key is a relationship with you. The more secure he feels with you, the more he will be able to work through the pain of his past.
Much love,
Julie
I have no idea how much of this is related to being adopted, but I do know that at this age their fears really kick into high gear. They watch TV but cannot tell the real form the make-believe. They cannot understand the realities of things or situations. No matter how much you explain things it does not make sense to them. Take for example the fear of monsters. You can tell them a million times that monsters are not real but it doesn't stop the fear. Instead, you have to acknowledge their fear and give them a way to handle it. ie. Mommy bought this Monster-Off spray and we will spray it every night into your closet and under your bed to keep monsters away. You will need to find a way to help him deal with this desire to have them closer. How about if you get him a piggy bank that he can put spare change in and let him know he is saving up to fly and see them? Or it's money to buy them a special gift? That way he would have a positive way he can take charge of the situation and have some sort of control. The worst thing you can do is to tell him there is nothing to worry about, because then he does not feel validated in his feelings, which are totally real to him.
ReplyDeleteOh, and this is the age terrible nightmares can start up. Just a heads-up.
As for Visa's, I don't know about elsewhere, but to get a visa to the US you have to be able to prove you are financially responsible for them. Very difficult, but that's for a long-term, able to work here visa.