I should step back and state that I will not condeem the adoptive parent for her choice to end the adoption, I do disagree with how she choose to end it. That is what I can not fathom- but then again, I have never walked in her shoes, so how can I judge her? I wish had made a different choice- for the families and children waiting- but it was her choice for her family.
So on to my truth, starting with the background:
2004:
The decision to pursue adoption was not easy for me- I spent a year working through a book by Lee Varon, praying and researching choices. In the end it came down to one week's homework and me crying over writing my story 5 years in the future having adopted a child and then writing the same story but having not adopted- I broke down crying as I tried to envision my life in the future without children. That was when I knew I would adopt.
2005:
Lee's book encourages the reader to take the foster/adoption classes through their state beffore deciding if domestic, foster care, or international adoption is the route the reader will take to form a family. I ma glad she recommended this step, it is eye opening in terms of what children may have endured- no matter what background they come from when joining a family. I took the classes and was still pretty much undecided. I moved forward with the homestudy process to adopt from the foster care system here in the US. As my homestudy visits were ending, the social worker kept encouraging me to consider foster to adopt- that is to foster children in the hopes that perhaps a child might be available for me to adopt. I decided against that option as I felt there was no way I could open my home to child knowing that goal of foster care is always initially reunification with the biological parents. many children might pass through my home before a child was a available for me to adopt. I just could not accept the grief that comes with loving a child and then letting them go home. I stand in awe of people's who God ahas given the capacity to love and care for foster children and to prepare them for their families- no mater what country these foster parents are in. So resisting the request to be a foster parent, I pressed forward with adoption through the foster care system. At this point, my social worker told me it would be 6 months before I had an approved homestudy. This was late 2005 and I not happy. So I began looking at international adoption.
There were many more choices in 2005 for single women then there are now- China was still accepting singles as an example. Today the choices are much more limited for a single parent. But I pressed forward. Guatemala seemed a good fit to me, close to the US, Spanish is the language spoken, no trips other than pick up were required, and the pick up trip was 4 days. Perfect in my eyes. It was not younger children, or a quick process that lead me to Guatemala- it was simply that I would not have to make 2 trips of 2 weeks (Russia) or one trip of 2 weeks but 13 hours of flying (China). It was that I would be able to use what little vacation time I had to go pick up my child. So I started the process in late Novemeber 2005- signing with an agency and then starting the collection of the dossier documents. I put much of document collection on hold for the Christmas holidays and then picked it back up in January 2006.
2006:
By March, I was nearing the completion of my dossier. My government approval to adopt came in on a Friday and I faxed it to my agency. The following Monday, I recieved a call asking me where my dossier was. I indicated that it was with the Guatemalan consulate and per the website for the consulate, it would be there another 2-3 weeks. My agency worker assured me that my dossier would be back that Friday. She asked me about the type of child I was looking for- I was approved for a boy 0-12 months old. After I few questions, I told her that whichever boy (there were alway boys waiting for families, whereas the families approved for girls were always waiting for girls to be born) was at the top of the list, was the child that I had been praying about and that God was preparing me for. She told me he was cute, but until my dossier arrived at the agency, she could not say more. So the wait began. On Friday, the dossier was in my mail box- back from the consulate. I spent Saturday with friends and we sent my dossier off to the agency via fedex for Monday delivery.
Monday morning dawned and I waited for the agency to open- an hour behind my time. 10 am came and my phone still did not ring- then came 11 am and my phone rang with the call from the agency. They had reviewed my dossier, there were no documents that needed to be redone, they were sending me hijo's pictures and documents via email.
my favorite photo from that first set.
I called my parents and told them I would be over in the evening with the photos and the documents and we would discuss. Little did I know that the first deception in the adoption began on this day- the agency told me hijo had been parented by his birth mother for 4 months- that was why the documents were dated December 2005 but he was already 7 months old in March 2006. In fact he had been with his foster family from the day after being born.
The timelimes for an adoption from Guatemala at this time with my agency were 4-6 month. Hijo woudl be home for his first birthday at best and definitely by Christmas 2006 based on this informaton. By accpeting hhijo's referral, there ould be one more document that had to go through the process and then finally be sent down to Guatemala to be present to the courts there- that occurred on 10May2006. I arrived for my first visit trip on 26may2006. I took the trip so that I would have seen him before the adoption was finalized in Guatemala- this would make him a US citizen as soon as he arrived in the US later that year (as I was still thinking).
By mid summer, my world is rocked- others who started with me or after me are finding out that they are approved in Guatemala and will be going to pick up their children that fall- there is no news on hijo's adoption. The agency says trust them- I do. I never should have- I should have pushed then and demanded the answers that I finally got in the summer of 2009.
Fall comes, Hijo's fisrt birthday has come and gone and I am losing faith big time in my agency. My faith is shattered when I am told in November that it is unlikely that Hijo will be home for Christmas. I hire outside help and they quickly determine that the adoption case is under investigation. I speak to my agency- they do not believe the information that I am telling them. They want details- which I provide. I make travel arrangements to go visit again in late December 2006. I tired to make sure that I allowed Hijo time with his foster family as I did not want to destory their Christmas- likely their Christmas was horrible anyway, but I tried to be cognizant of their feelings and their time as a family.
I left Guatemala feeling emtionally detached- I was not sad I was leaving Hijo behind, I was not happy either- I was numb from the process. I was angry at being lied to by my agency as the information from the lawyer handling my case was conflicting with the information the outside help was providing. I was lost at this point.
I remember asking my agency in February if they believed that the adoption would take place- I was ready to walk away. I had reached my limit to the lies and to the drama. The agency and the lawyer indicated that they felt the adoption would complete, I just needed to hang in there. I hung in there and in April, my agency called to tell me that the adoption was approved and I would be bringin hijo home. I didn't believe them, so I called the outside help who confirmed it.
May 2007
My mother and I traveled to Guatemala to bring home hijo. I was still numb, I wanted just to get through this and get home, then I believed it would be OK. I found out there that hijo had been with his foster family since the day after he was born, it was the nail in coffin as far as I was concerned for my agency. I could not trust them ever. The trip in Guatemala and the trip home was draining- but nothing compared to the first weeks home.
I was still detached and Hijo was grieving- we only had each other and we both quickly learned how to bring out the worst in each other. Daytime was ok, but bed time was the worst. Hours of screaming- hijo hated the crib. He was not used to being alone in a room or bed. But I needed the seperation at night to process everything, this was not good situation for either of us. The books and social worker all indicated that I needed to be the one do everything and doing every is hard work when you are a single parent.
the rest of the story:
I struggled for months with attachment to hijo-I loved him it was just hard to attach, thre were many days I felt like I was babysitting. Adding a walking, talking, little person to my house was hard. We and more so I struggled for months- some days better than others, and some not so much. Struggling is isolating. I thank God for my mom who listened to me and never judged, who told me when things were normal behaviors for hijo's age or told me that I did the same thing- she carried me through many rough spots. I thank God for my family, my parents and my sister's family who have stepped in when I needed a break- they gave me room to catch my breath in order to prevent the situations from becoming a struggle. I thank God for my son who wants a family and who keeps forgiving me when I fail him. I thank God for friends who never judged me, they allowed me feel safe enough to share what I was going through.
I had trusted social worker from my international homestudy and I had one person in the local office for my agency that read between the lines. They both suggested the same help- an adoption specialist. I made the appointment and spent an hour talking to her while hijo played in the other room. Her conclusion, we were bonding and attaching but if I continued to feel the need to talk, she was willing to work with me. I have not gone back, I think I needed an expert to validate what I was beginning to feel myself. As the time from the adoption process passed, I allowed myself to feel all the the emotions I kept buried during the adoption, I let the love in.
There are days I feel hijo and I still struggle but I think it all from hijo's memories of seperation from the only family he knew and my way of dealing with stressful situations by shutting down. So we go on. We are a good family, we love each other- but like all families we have our struggles. This is my truth.
Adoption is not easy- you bring a dream into your home and then find out that the dream has a mind of its own. in some ways I can say it is like my dream of marriage. I can tell you what a dream it will be like, but I cannot account for the other person's feelings and dreams. 2 people make a marriage. and usually 2 people work at at to make it work. But in adoption- one person or one side wanted a family and the other side might not want that or know how to deal with a family or they feel they already have a family. Adoption is 2 sides who may not be working for the same goal. Most adoptions ended happily- a family, a bonded family.- it can take days, months, years to get to this point.
Unfortunately, there are some adoptions that do not end in the dream of a family. Sometimes the issues brought into the family are too great. It is devestang to everyone involved. That is the whole truth.
EDITED:
I inadventantly left some very important people out of my list- I think God every day for hijo's foster family. They have completely supported me as hijo's momma though their hearts were breaking after he left. They have continued to be a support and source of love and compassion for me and for Hijo as we walked through this journey. While they might never have known all the details, they never faltered or waivered. I am forever grateful to them for the ongoing love they pour out on Hijo and me as a family. I am forever grateful that they showed Hijo how to be part of a family and taight his heart to love unconditionally.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's good to know that becoming a family is HARD and sometimes a struggle. Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience.
ReplyDelete(You know how much I love ya!)
I often forget how many people have gone through the same thing we have. Your timeline and story are in many ways so similar to ours. And I laughed when reading your reasons for choosing Guatemala - little travel, young children.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story.