It is that time of the year when I usually have 3 or 4 drafts of a letter to Bug's birth mother. This year I have not even started. I am struggling what to write. I have not had writers block like this before.
I wonder if I am struggling because there has been no contact with her even though the searcher found her extended family over a year ago, and the searcher contacted the extended family after our visit to Guatemala in January. I wonder if her lack of interest is fueling my lack of motivation. But then I remember- she does not know I am trying to find her, she has not contacted her extended family in over 4 years now. So how can I say that her indifference is why I should not write? how do I know that she is not wondering, worrying about Bug? I don't - so I can not use her lack of contact as an excuse for my inaction.
I wonder if the fact that I have run out of questions to ask her is fueling my lack of motivation. But the letters are really not about asking her questions, but to let her know how Bug is doing. So another excuse down the drain for me.
So what is my excuse- is it that I am just too busy being a momma to focus on Bug's first mom? I think that is it. I am too busy being a momma to focus on what to write. But in the end, that is not an excuse either- it is a cop out actually. I need to write the letter- have it ready for the pictures and get it sent down to the searcher in Guatemala. hopefully one day, Bug's birth mother will call the searcher and be given the letters and the pictures. Hopefully one day there will be closure for Bug in terms of knowing the story of his adoption from his birth mother's words.
So what to write about this year- do I just put in the changes, do I put in the things we have done? I am at a loss this year for ides- anyone want to give me suggestions- because I need some direction this year.
Love and hugs,
Deb
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