Perhaps I should just stop celebrating my birthday???

This week has not been one of the best birthdays I can remember, it probably ranks down tthere with the year I ran away from my father as one of the worst birthdays ever.

father story: this is my bio father- he had us every other weekend/every weekend after the divorce- I can't remember at this point.  but in any case, he had us for my birthday.  My birthday was on Friday, I thought I would have some sort of celebration at his house as I was turing 16, but nothing was said on Friday, on Saturday he took us to the bar - as usual.  We sat and drank cokes and played pinball while he sat at the bar and drank all day.  At the end of the day, he handed me the keys to the pick up truck and asked me to start it.  It was parked on a hill, and was a stick shift truck.  yep, I nearly hit another car.  I was laughed at for not being able to start a pick up truck.  But no birthday cake, or card or anything.  Sunday morning came and I was sick of it.  He had sat up Saturday night and drank another case of beer, so he was hung over- I was tired of the weekends in the bar, weekends of drinking, weekends of him yelling at my grandmother.  I wanted out.  So I told him I would go get the Sunday paper off the steps and instead I ran away to the big Boy's resturant down the street, called my mom crying and begged her to come get me.  the waitress took pity on me and gave me a hot chocolate to drink while I waited.  My mom came and got me and took home and that night when my father dropped off my sister and brother, my father tried to tell me that he had a cake and party planned (lie) and that he would stop drinking (another lie).  I never spent another weekend with him. defintiely the worst birthday of my life.

This week, I have dealt with the drama of my niece.  She thinks I am hypocrite to stop seeing her and her girlfriend.  WHATEVER!!!  And today, I was asked at work until by a client "who authorized me to be off work between 4:30 pm- and 8 pm?".  I am not sure if the client was joking, but the realiy is that I put hijo to bed and collate the reports that have been running since 4:30 pm.  I work until 10 or 11 pm depending on the amount of data and then I lay awake in bed trying to turn off the adrendaline in my body and relax so I can sleep.  I am exhuasted, drained and now I am upset.  I put my heartand soul  into my work- I want to do my best, I don;t ever want to be viewed as slacker.  i go above and beyond what my in terms of pleasing the client.  I will work overtime to make sure deadlines are met, prviding extra data, running reports that otehrs can run.job requires.  Then to be aksed to work through the only hours I get with hijo during the week- that is the tipping point.  No more, never again for this client will I do more then is extactly what is spelled out in the cotract.scope of work.  It end here.

My parents and hijo took me out for dinner tonight, it was nice and I enjoyed, but in the back of my mind were the words the client said to me today, so I never relaxed and enjoyed the evening.  I can not wait for tomorrow night, becasue I am not running the reports, I am turning off both computers and I am not turning them back on until Monday morning.  I have reached my limit on stealing time from my hijo and from myself.  I am tired.  This all should end enxt Friday 05Feb- and I am counting hours until then.  I have a personal day planned on 12Feb and I am trying to plan the day so I can go get massage (I have a gift certificate)  either in the morning or evening.  Just something for me.  I would love to go away for a long weekend, but that is not in the budget.  I wish there were some cheap flights to Guatemala, because I would be on an airplane with hijo in a heart beat. 

This is really one of the worst birthdays I have had in my life.  I am hoping Sunday is better- that is the day the whole family is coming over and celbrating with cake and ice cream here.  It is suppose to be sunny (although below freezing), so I am grilling. perhaps the drama will be over and we can just hang out. 
That is what I miss working at home- the hanging out with work friends, the causual conversations.  I have too much quiet that allows me to ruminate on things in my mind. I need to find a lunch thing to do that gets me out of the house and talking to other adults. 

Have I said I am tired, have I said I need a vacation from the stress, have I said I miss Guatemala, have I said I hate cold, dark winters?  Yep- definitely in work overload and seasonal affective disorder mode here.  Spring is coming and I will feel better - I know it is coming, I know this stress will end, I know I will go back to enjoying my job, I know hijo is OK and that this period of intense work is not going to alter our family- it jiust feels bad at this moment.  But it will be alright.  I think I need to go buy lots of flowers tomorrow to help me feel better. Yep, flowers might do the trick.  They just might help break the depression and the darkness.

Hijo and I had bean soup for dinner.  Although looking at hijo's bowl, you might think he had crackers with some broth.   He still had this thing about sticking out his tongue- he thought this picture was great.  I think so too

This is him sleeping in his bed.  I actualy fear taking pictures of him in bed sleeping becuase I worry that he will wake up and then be awake for a while.  But he slept this time.  He always snuggles down like this.  This is the kid who would throw off his blankets last year.  This year, he looks like a bear all snuggled up.  Sometimes all I see is his hair sticking up.  He is so cute like this. 

I remember when he first come home, writing about the struggles and having another friend tell me that she would love to rock her baby all night long with her sleeping on her shoulder (I am wondering if Tami's mom will let me know how that is going now) and I felt guilty becuase when hijo went to bed, I just wanted to walk out of the room and be alone.  Now my feelings have changed completely- I love to walk in his room and watch him sleep.  I leave after 2-5 minutes at bedtime, so that he learns to go to sleep without me in the room, but I go back in through the evening, just to watch him and to stare at his sleeping face and ponder just how blessed I am to be his momma. I look at this face and wish I could hold this moment and capture it forever (isn't that what pictures are for?).  Love to watch him sleep.

Ok- I am done for tonight- lots of emotions running around in me tonight.  reports can't be run due to the system being down, so I should go to bed.

Love to you,
Momma