UPDATE:
After some time to think- I recognize that my reactions to Bug's behaviors are all rooted in my life.
I want Bug to be thankful for his playset- because momma is doing this for him- but he just sees that I am not present in his life when he wants me- I am too focused on getting the playset built, that I am missing the time right now. I should have just hired someone to put it together- what is another few hundred dollars? Don't answer that- I know the truth, people are struggling right now and I seriously don't have a few hundred dollars right now- but it is sentiment. In the end Bug will never remember that I spent time building this, he will remember that I played with him, that he had a playset.
With soccer ti s even deeper- we did not have money at times when I was growing up. I really wanted to take gymnastics- really alot. but we did not have money because of choices my bio father made. I never want Bug to look back and say- I was not able to do something I really wanted to do because my momma made bad choices and we did not have money.
And that is the core of it- Bug is rejecting what I desperately want to give him and it hurts. he is not doing it maliciously- or even in any way that he understands because he is rejecting it because he is scared to be away from me. So I struggle with the rejection, not seeing it for what it is. bug needs to just play- he needs to know the people he is with, he does not like large groups, he does not like aburpt changes. Even though I am trying to give him something I thing he wants- it is really not what he wants.
I will be calling the soccer place tomorrow- there is no sense in stressing Bug and me out another week. Maybe, they will let me have some of my money back, but even if they don't- we will not be back. Bug is not ready to be in a structured class. Dang it hurts to say that- I don't want him to be a quitter either (that is something I feel I was in high school).
I will be calling the Y to take him out of summer camps this year. they will not give me the money back and that was $150.00 for the 2 weeks- but they will give me a credit- so maybe I can apply it to classes for Mam or maybe for some classes for Auntie Lulu and Bug to do in the fall during the day. He will be fine if one of us is there with him- he just be left alone.
I don't know what I am going to do when school starts. This certainly, at this point, shows me that Bug is not ready for school yet. But we have another year to see what happens before I actually have to make a choice about him starting right after he turns 5 or right after he turns 6.
I just have to keep reminding myself that Bug will remeber how much something cost or did nto cost- he will remember time I spent with him, focusing on him.
I took my camera tonight- hoping to get some pictures for you all of Bug playing soccer. Be thankful that I never pulled it out because you could be seeing the following:
1. Bug crying- this would be while I attempt to put his shin guards on.
2. Bug forcing himself to throw up- phlegm - not sick- just making himself so upset that he throws up all the crud.
3. Bug sitting on the field refusing to participate.
Lesson for momma- no matter how much he begs to do another sport- no way am I paying for it. He can do chores to earn money- but I am not paying for another sport again.
Hard lesson for Bug- wasting our family money means momma is not a happy camper.
So we have done swimming- no go there
We are currently doing soccer- no go there after week 1
Bug wants to do basketball- not this year.
Summer camp- being cancelled- no way I am going subject Auntie Lulu and the Y to Bug's behavior.
total waste of money and time. I am also thinking Mam and Pap will not be invited again- no sense in them wasting their time to watch their grandson throw a fit and sit on the field.
Yep- I am not happy right now. I wish I knew what the heck was going on in Bug's mind. he says he wants to play- like last night and last week, then it is time to go on field and he refuses and breaks down. i probably earned the title of the meanest mom in the building today, because of my refusal to let him leave the field.
His behavior is a form of manipulation and I am not giving into this when he asked to play and he wanted to play and he played the first week. he likes soccer- he just does not like the separation from me. Problem is- I stay where he can see me.
I think next week I am going to sit in the bleachers which will make it harder for him to pick me out.
Diego is almost over which means Bug needs to go to bed. So I am off for an hour. I will probably be calmer about this by the time I log back in.
And just in case any one is keeping track:
Swimming lessons cost $25.00 a season
Soccer cost $60.00 for 6 weeks
soccer equipment cost $30.00 (shirt, socks, ball, shin guards and bag)
Love to you,
Deb
That has to be frustrating.
ReplyDeleteDon't start to worry about school. Teachers are very good at helping children who have a hard time separating. I also wonder if it would be different if you weren't there at all - like at a school - as opposed to being able to watch him and him knowing you are there. Just some late night musings... looking forward to seeing your completed equipment and am very impressed that you were brave enough to take it on your elf!
ReplyDeleteIf you remember, we had serious issues with Levi and pre-school. The first school was so busy and loud the poor child chewed off all his fingernails, had nightmares and began wetting the bed and that was after only a couple of half-days. I took him out and waited a few months, then found a much smaller private school that really worked with us. He was apprehensive at first, but now is in his second year and goes every day. He LOVES his school. The key is a quiet, calm, loving classroom and to go slowly.
ReplyDeleteHugs to both of you!
Hey Deb,
ReplyDeleteE was the same way. At 4 she was better than 3 but it was amazing how much more confindence she had by the time she hit 5. I was pretty sure that school would be fine as she new the teacher and had been doing well in preschool. I was so scared about the bus, I wanted to throw up. She, however, was just fine. Keep doing what you are doing with him. Your being there now is helping to build the confidence that he needs to go away and know that you will be here when he gets back.
E