THANK YOU all so much for your words of encouragement and support- each of you is a blessing.
I wanted to say that last night I was very upset and of course, a night of rest and time to process has allowed me some perspective- all the more so because of your words to me.
My dear friend sent me an email - really laying out some things in her life and the road that she sees me heading down and I sent this reply back to her. I am only posting my reply because her words and story are personal to her situation and I do not want to violate her privacy. I hope you can see the things she wanted me to consider.
you have not overstepped your bounds- I appreciate your words- you and my mom say lots of the same things.
I think part of what I struggle with right now is that I used to be able to let his words just slide off my back (like a duck) and right now I can't. I see Bug picking up the nuances- Bug yelled at his Pap last weekend to stop yelling at my mom and I. It is sad when 3 year old realizes how wrong an adult is. I worry that Bug will see this behavior and think it is appropriate to continue as he gets older.
But the fact is that I can't let my dad out of my life because then I loose my mom and that is not what I am willing to do. My dad will never admit he is wrong- so that leaves the rest of us to figure out how to walk around him and avoid the conflict- because the conflict can be huge when my dad really decides we are all wrong.
I am just tired of it all- tired of being the one who has to come up with a plan, tired of being the one who is "always wrong", tired of trying to gain approval that is never coming and tired of wondering if the relationships with my dads are the reason I have never found a life partner.
I am lonely, tired and worn down right now. God is listening and I know it will be OK. I know he hears my cries and sees my tears. I know it pains him to watch me go through this, but I know that he has a plan for me and for Bug and his plan is good. So I stand in that promise that God's plan will bring glory and honor and that my life is worth something to him. I stand in the promise that God loves me more wonderfully and abundantly then I can even imagine.
I stand in the promise that I am child of the King of Kings.
I hope you have a wonderful day- thanks so much for you words of encouragement and support.
And that is the way I started my day- knowing that I am child of the king of Kings. His love is poured out me daily and I need to recognize it and accept it. So today is better in so many ways.
So lets start with the other positives from today.
1. I took Bug to see the attachment specialist. As I previously posted, there have been some things I have been worried about and I felt it was time to see someone who had no connection to us and no background or history with us- a fresh pair of eyes to see our relationship. Bug and I arrived and she showed Bug the toys in the smaller office and asked me to sit with her in the larger outer office to talk. Bug was not too sure, but I assured him I was right in the other room and I would stay where he could see me. So my chair was right at the door but I was not facing him nor did I have back to him.
Debbie and I talked about the process to bring Bug home, the challenges we have gone through as a family. Bug played happily in the other room.
We talked about my concerns and some actions I have taken to help the transition. Bug still played happily.
About 45 minutes into our discussion, Bug finally needed me to pay attention, so we both gave him attention and watched him play.
The final outcome:
1. Bug's personality- he is shy and hesitant to join which couple with the trauma of losing his family at 21.5 months old has made him worried that I will leave him too. But, I am doing everything right - I am aware of his needs to know where I am, I put myself where he can see me in new situations, I don't leave him in new situations. So, I am doing it right there. Bug is likely to always be hesitant in new situations given his personality and his history- but it will get better. AND I would be remiss if I did not qualify this by saying, I don't always get it right- sometimes I miss the mark- but I recognize his basic need to know where I am and I take steps to make sure he is comfortable. Becuase God knows, I have really missed the mark a few times. But thankfully I am quick learner.
2. Everything I have done to keep open the contact with his first family and to include them in our lives is the right thing for Bug. Since Bug had the memories when he came home, keeping the contact was the best thing I could have done (YEAH).
3. I do need to add some words to Bug history with regard to his first family. I preface this by saying- being a foster parent is so much more than a job and I know that. But I have never explained to Bug that it was Mireya's job to care for him while we were waiting to be a family. This does not diminish the love or affection that Mireya, Popi and family have for Bug, it just helps Bug understand why there was a separation. This is the one thing that I never thought through when explaining the adoption process to Bug. So I need to add it and talk about it.
4. The calls to Mireya and family- especially the one with Hermano this past weekend are great. The one with Hermano actually probably did the most since Bug was able to visualize that Hermano has the same history as he does- they both were cared for and loved by Mireya and family. As much as I have said it, I think hearing Mireya talk to Hermano made it real. Mireya knew Hermano's name, so suddenly I think it was clear.
Debbie did give me some books suggestions, so I will be looking for them this weekend.
5. I will probably never have to worry about Bug in a large crowd- at least not in the near future- like vacation. Bug will not let me out of his sight. So one less worry for our upcoming vacation. Not that I am going to relax about his whereabouts, just that I do not need to consider one of those wrist things that attach to the parent and child.
It was a great appointment. I really felt so much better walking out of there. We did not make a follow up appointment, we left it that if I feel the need to talk about anything, I can call and we will discuss if we need to come in again or it is something we can just talk about on the phone.
This evening, we had a meeting a church. There is a large Guatemalan community in our city and my church is planning a church plant of a Spanish speaking church in the community. I am excited and want to be part of it. I thin for Bug, it will be great- he will be in the majority and I will be in the minority.
They are hoping to launch the church by the end of the year- so this was a meeting to just start discussions on what will be involved and how folks in the church can be part of the new church. I had the opportunity to talk with the pastor and his wife- they are from Guatemala. I really am excited about this- scared because I will not understand most of what is going on in church at first, but excited to be in the community. There are many needs in the community and we will and have been trying to help meet those needs- translators, help with job applications, doctors appointments, basic needs like food, clothing, etc. I can help there and I am grateful to be able to help. So this is where we are going as a family. We will continue to worship in the main church and also worship in the Guatemalan community too. Have I said I am excited!!!!
My church has an outreach to the community once a year- a street festival. This year we will be able to participate, to start meeting people and making new friends. This will be adventure, but the call of the Lord is on my heart to be in this church and helping in this community. I can give back to Guatemala through various organizations, but to actually meet with people and meet their needs face to face, this is awesome. Not because I want to feel good about helping them, but because they are Jesus. Jesus is in every person, and every time we help a person, give them a coat when they are cold, feed them when they are hungry, help them find a job when they need a job, help them get services, enroll the children in school- these are things we do for Jesus and to Jesus. We are the hands and feet of God to the world.
I am excited!!!
Well that is it for tonight. Tomorrow the pictures of Bug and hermano- I promise.
Love and hugs to you,
Deb
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