As children, we learn the rhyme-
"sticks and stones may hurt my bones
but words will never hurt me"
it is a lie- an absolute lie. Whoever thought this up was not the one being hurt by words.
I wonder why, as a 43 year old adult, the words still hurt me? It takes one comment, one tone of voice and I am hurt inside. Why do I let someone have this power over me?
I was still feeling the joy and contentment from this weekend, when my parents stopped by today. My dad told me that my grass needed cutting and "maybe I stayed home once in a while, I would get things done around my house."
All the joy- gone in an instant. I spent the weekend balancing the work around the house and the desire to enjoy the time. I choose the best choices this weekend- the grass could wait until this week- heck it was not that bad- about 2 inches taller than normal. But to my dad- all that mattered was that I did not cut the grass like 90% of my neighbors. It did not matter that I cleaned the inside of house, that I spent time playing and laughing with Bug. It did not matter that I had the family over on Saturday and that I took Bug to see friends that our important to us. Nope, it only mattered that once again, I did not cut my grass on his schedule. The rejection and condemnation were in his words, his attitude and and his tone of voice. it cut me right down.
I have spent the rest of day doubting myself, my choices, on the verge of tears.
I see in myself the lessons I have learned from him and it scares me. I see his parenting (or lack of parenting) in how I am when I tired and exhausted. I see the critical reactions to things Bug does and I don't like it. I don't like it all.
I am worn out from trying to please my dad- nothing is every good enough, no choice I make is the right choice, nothing I do will ever cause him to love me and I am done with it all now.
i am getting rid of the car he sold to me- one point of contention. I may see him because I choose to see my mom, but I am done asking for his help and asking for his advice.
I am done with this drama and his need to control everything around him. I am done.
I wish I still lived 5 hours away- only I need my mom and my sister and her family with me- heck all my friends. maybe my dad needs to move 5 hours away.
I am telling- I am done with this all. Bug has Uncle Darrell, Jason, Popi, Vaca Daddy and others to be his role model- we will be fine without Pap.
I am done.
Oh Deb, I am sorry. I know it does hurt. Realizing you don't need his approval is a big step. And that is great that you have. You ARE doing the important things. Bug won't remember how long the grass was, just that you show your love and spend time with him. He will know that HE is important to you.
ReplyDeleteYou have alot on your plate, being a single parent. YOu have to find the time to do the things that two people normally divide. So don't be too hard on yourself. Your dad was wrong, and obviously (as a man) he doesn't understand that your priority is your son. I hope you can find peace in this.
I can feel your pain in your words and I am so sad for you. But you have to make the decision that is best for you (and ultimately Bug). Praying for you..
ReplyDeleteDeb - So sorry to hear what you're going through. You need to continue to make the decisions that are best for you and Bug. Being a single mom, it's harder to get everything done you want to. Cherish as much time as you can doing the things that make you and Bug happy. You're a good mom, a good person and a good friend! These are the words you need to focus on...not the other ones.
ReplyDeleteOh Deb. I am so sorry you are hurting. You are right, words carry so much power, especially coming from someone like a parent. The things your dad says had nothing to do with you and it is not a reflection of YOU. That is his way of dealing with his own issues, whatever they are. Even so, it is still painful. Just know that everything you do is important and who cares about grass?! There is always time to cut the grass, but time with your son, your friends, and supportive family is so precious.
ReplyDeleteArm yourself with a good arsenal of snotty comebacks and use them freely. He may or may not get the point (ever) but you will feel better. So, the next time he makes a crack about your grass, point him to the mower and tell him to get cracking. Or tell him you have goats coming but they are on back-order. Or that your horoscope said you needed to wait for the moon to be in it's waning phase to cut the grass.....
ReplyDeleteI always love reading your blog because of all of the nice activities you think of to do with your son. I am sorry that your Dad is critical - but there's another side, one that your son will remember for years to come, and that is the time that you invested in him.
ReplyDelete